According to the definition it’s “a firm decision to do or not to do something. The action of solving a problem. An intention, decision, aim, plan, commitment, pledge, or promise.”
As I think of a New Years resolution yet again this year two words keep coming to mind. Just be. And I wonder if that counts. Even though every year our intentions are good are they really setting us up for success? When I think about the actual definition I have been focused on the action of solving a problem. Having a “firm decision” seems so black and white with no room for error. Time and time again we set these resolutions just to fail and then beat ourselves up.
A pledge, a promise. To who, ourselves? If so we are kidding ourselves. This is not to be confused with giving up or not giving it your best. Don’t get me wrong, I love a fresh start. A new chance to begin again. But time and time again my resolutions seem to set me up to feel like I have failed for not living up to the goal I set. So this year instead of just setting goals with black and white borders, I will still set them but more importantly know that WHEN I fail it’s not all or nothing.
What am I striving for
I am not striving for perfection. Goals are good , but the ultimate goal is continuing on the ride after falling off. When it’s hard press reset and move forward. And just be. I’ve learned how I am just a vessel in this world with way less control then I’d like to pretend to think I have. I’m simply moving through life’s joyful moments and trials. I do often find myself getting stuck. Stuck in the past plagued with sadness of what was and is no more.
Whether it is yearning for my kids to be those ages again or wanting my special moments and memories to be back. Could I have said or done things differently? Sometimes worse we get stuck in the future. Becoming fearful and paralyzed of what might be. What if’s. I am striving today to be right here. None of us are in control. I have known that for some time. But this year I want to believe it and live it. It is often when we strive to surrender we find peace.
We all have our circumstances
We still have regret, pain and fear but we find peace. We all have our circumstances and need to be aware that we are in this together. When I look back at so many circumstances in my life I have found when I surrender the clouds part. Unfortunately, we are so focused on the next thing we do not stop and see it. Today I have reflected on two things that really represent this for me. One that robbed me of years of my life. Yet, I gained so much. The second the loss of two loved ones yet have made me focus on why I am the way I am and how their legacy will never die.
It took these two things for me to let go. These two things also prompted me to follow my passion and write. I am not sure what the future holds but I do know that I will not let worry or fear control me. They will lurk but I am not scared of them. Know that hard times equal growing times. It’s freeing to know I am not in control of the ship, just aboard it along for the ride experiencing my circumstances and not fighting them.
Physically and Mentally
Just a year ago when setting a New Years resolution my grandparents were not even on my mind. This is them out to dinner, my grandmother physically here and my grandfather mentally here. Now both gone in those forms. I still can feel my grandmothers presence from memories that she will place in my mind and I can tell my grandfather still knows me from the look in his eyes even though he can’t find me. But this time last year, when I though I knew what the years plans would be this was not part of it.
Again, showing me to just be. Life seems to throw us the curve balls we do not expect as we worry about the ones we think are headed our way. In reflection I have thought more about the impact these two have had on me that I have never thought as much about before. They are alive more then ever and the sadness showed me this year I can’t control my circumstances but I can choose to either learn from them or find some sort of joy.
Just a year ago when setting a New Years resolution my grandparents were not even on my mind. This is them out to dinner, my grandmother physically here and my grandfather mentally here. Now both gone in those forms. I still can feel my grandmothers presence from memories that she will place in my mind and I can tell my grandfather still knows me from the look in his eyes even though he can’t find me.
But this time last year, when I though I knew what the years plans would be this was not part of it. Again, showing me to just be. Life seems to throw us the curve balls we do not expect as we worry about the ones we think are headed our way. In reflection I have thought more about the impact these two have had on me that I have never thought as much about before. They are alive more then ever and the sadness showed me this year I can’t control my circumstances but I can choose to either learn from them or find some sort of joy.
You can’t fall off the floor
Secondly, my sister. Here she is seven years ago, long before her illness lead her into a dark place. I would tell her you can’t fall off the floor and she would say well you can roll into a gutter. That she did. We all did. But the smile is on her face in this picture shows through smiles their was pain. Pain that she did not even identify with. And even in that moment there was smiles, two more nieces and a nephew had yet to be born in the midst of some dark times.
It’s like the calm before the storm. And in those dark times about 99% of what I thought would happen did not. What happened what not even thought about. What I do know was the peace that was found when I just was still. A vessel not a driver. Not trying to solve a puzzle but simple wait patiently for the next piece to be placed in front of me and help connect when it was time. Even when the puzzle was blurry and seemed to have no face, in the end it was crystal clear.
And that was just that puzzle, one of many.
Secondly, my sister. Here she is seven years ago, long before her illness lead her into a dark place. I would tell her you can’t fall off the floor and she would say well you can roll into a gutter. That she did. We all did. But the smile is on her face in this picture shows through smiles their was pain. Pain that she did not even identify with. And even in that moment there was smiles, two more nieces and a nephew had yet to be born in the midst of some dark times. It’s like the calm before the storm. And in those dark times about 99% of what I thought would happen did not. What happened what not even thought about. What I do know was the peace that was found when I just was still. A vessel not a driver. Not trying to solve a puzzle but simple wait patiently for the next piece to be placed in front of me and help connect when it was time. Even when the puzzle was blurry and seemed to have no face, in the end it was crystal clear.
And that was just that puzzle, one of many.
Intention
So this year, yes I made those same resolutions. But instead of focusing on
a firm decision to do or not to do something I changed my verbiage. A firm decision to do as good as I can with where I am. Wanting to do things as best I can in the moment I am in. Instead of solving the problem I will do my part in listening and helping within boundaries. Words like intention, aim, and plan. I will make a commitment and promise but not like before. It’s not to do it perfectly, but to meet people where they are. Most importantly meet myself where I am. So even thought resolutions are good it’s the process that is even more important. And on day 4, I have already pressed reset a time or two. And I am at peace with that for the first time ever, because instead of quitting I am picking right back up where I fell short on this journey. Cheers to your Resolutions this year!
